A self discovery

Today I discovered something about myself. It is something I had never put in place until my niece asked me if I was coming to the graduation tonight. My first thought was Oh my God, so many people. I was so repelled at the idea of the crowds attending the event I actually started to stress out. I was so conflicted because of my deep affection for my great-nephew and how put off I was by the amount of people expected.

When did I become this way?

I’ve always said I hated going to movie theaters because of the germs that linger after humans are there. Going into a theater to me was nasty. Was it really just the germs or the amount of humans around me? I am repulsed by the thought of the germy seat handles and bathrooms, but did this go hand in hand with the humanity that fills the seats?

I like watching football-professional, college all of it. For a few years my husband and I had season tickets for the Arizona Wildcats games, but I found each year after the first couple of games I didn’t want to go anymore. Was it the crowds jammed into the stadiums? We dropped the tickets.

I started to consider this with the anxiety I felt when we were at Disneyland. I calmed so much when the crowds cleared out on Christmas Eve. When the crowds filled the park on Christmas Day all I wanted was to get away from the people.

In school I was always shy of walking into rooms of people. Yet, I enjoyed being in front of an audience singing or in a play. There was a separation between me and them. I enjoy being with my friends and family and I’ve held some pretty good size parties at my house, yet once the house or yard fills I get anxious. My husband has noted this reaction. I won’t stop having parties because I love to entertain. I am good alone or with a few people. I enjoy conversation and a shared meal. Say a dinner party situation with a table full of people, food and wine. This works for me.

When did this happen? It’s an interesting discovery about myself.

-N